There is something beautiful in every act of helping. When someone seeks help, it’s important to act in a way that fosters healthy relationships. By putting yourself in the role of rescuer, you are taking part in a toxic rescue mission.
What is your reaction when someone comes to you with a problem to solve?
Are you happy that someone trusts you and comes to you to share it, and you want to help and perhaps advise?
Another option is annoyance because you’ve been listening to the same story for months and the loved one doesn’t do anything about it. You continue to listen or put up boundaries because you have made the decision that you are no longer open to it.
If it does not violate your boundaries and you feel that you want to help the best solution is to:
- empathetically listen
- believe that the person is capable of solving the problem
- accept her as she is with her emotions at the moment
- ask if he or she needs your perspective/advice or if you can be helpful
Do not:
- judge
- crtiticize
- produce ready-made solutions (unless the person explicitly asks for it)
You don’t have to understand, probably not even able to, but you can still sympathize and support. To understand you have to actually be that person.
It is useful to observe your own body and mind reactions when listening to others’ problems. In addition, explore how it looks to you, what your preferences are for the person you go to talk to. Do you want to receive advice, or perhaps you prefer when someone listens to you fully, tries to validate your feelings and supports you. Perhaps you have a therapist for this so here I understand, you go to him. There is something beautiful in every act of helping. The important thing is to know how to do it, so that the relationship has a healthy character, (maturity) is not toxic and does not come down to rescue.
If deep down you feel a person’s helplessness, know that they have the potential to find a solution. You can sympathize, however, if this is someone important to you, believe in this person and his or her potential. Even emphasize and reinforce this by mentioning a situation the person has handled in the past. Cheer them on in realizing their potential to solve a situation. Believe that if you feel you can advise her, ask if she would like to hear your advice.
The fact that you are a trusted person someone can turn to speaks well of you.
For anyone who wants to improve their ability to communicate effectively and empathetically, I recommend reading the book „Nonviolent Communication” by M. Rosenberg.